Dear World:

Dear Europe, Asia, etc.

Thank you very much for helping us out during this time of crisis. The devastation of Katrina is being lessened by your words of support and monetary donations.

Again, thanks.

Oh, wait...

This just in: Gas is fucking exspensive

EVERYPLACE, U.S. -- We have breaking news tonight about the price of gasoline. Sources tell is it is going up and getting very expensive.

Again, I repeat, gas costs lots of money right now.

Analysts say that if you were smart enough to do the math and hadn't dicked around in college so much you would realize that it's (considering inflation and other types of number-formulas) still not quite as bad as the gas crisis in 1981.

Traders and people who know how to make money off money jizzed themselves today when they looked what's up with gas futures, 'cause all kinds of money is blowing up in that shiat.

Stayed tuned for the latest on how expensive gas is, because it's expensive right now, but later it will be expensiver.

Hand thing

Let's call it a "heist"

Michigan couple's goal 61 straight days of golf

BATAVIA, N.Y. (AP) -- This is day five of Jim and Pat Healey's golf journey. The retired Michigan couple is trying to play 18-holes in each of the 50 states, the ten Canadian provinces and Washington, DC during a 61-day period. That's one round a day, every day, for two months.

The golf enthusiasts started last Saturday at the Anchorage Golf Course in Alaska. That night, they hopped a flight to play in Evanston, Wyoming on Sunday and in Salt Lake City on Monday. They played yesterday in Mansfield, Ohio and teed up today in Batavia, New York.

The 74-year-old Healey has been playing golf for more than 60 years, his wife Pat has played for more than 40 years.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

I'm going to set a new record by going to work for 61 days straight. Watch out, America. Watch out. PS - Who cares?

Must not Sleep... now available in print form

I'll be out of town (Atlanta) for a conference on Monday and Tuesday. I leave you with this Flickr magazine cover generator.

So, now it's your turn to design a kick-ass MNS... cover. Pick an image from here or here and plug it into the link above.

Best cover wins a dollar. You have until Wednesday, 8/24.

Please submit your magazine cover as a comment.

Just remember: Leaves are some bogus shiat, OK?

Remember, kids...

Even if you're drunk, McDonald's is not food.

17 injured at Henrico iBook Sale

"Total chaos" is how many described the melee that resulted from a sale of used Apple iBook laptop computers at the Richmond International Raceway (RIR) by the Henrico County Virginia school system.

Link...

Please comment on this one... I'm at a loss.

New school trades books for laptops

VAIL, Ariz. -- Students at Empire High School here started class this year with no textbooks -- but it wasn't because of a funding crisis. Instead, the school issued iBooks -- laptop computers by Apple Computer Inc. -- to each of its 340 students, becoming one of the first U.S. public schools to shun printed textbooks.

Link

Teens break into factory looking for ghosts, place to screw

WEST HAVEN, Conn. (AP) -- More than a dozen people are accused of breaking into an old factory in Connecticut, apparently in search of ghosts.

Police say the group of mostly teen-agers entered the old
American Buckle Company factory in West Haven by breaking into an adjacent building.

The visit apparently was inspired by a Web site that describes the factory as one of the city's most ghost-ridden buildings.

While getting into the spirit of things, police say the teens
were also getting into some spirits. They say some of the ghost hunters took bottles of liquor from the closed restaurant next door.

Police say 13 people have been arrested, and they expect to arrest several more.

Police say Connecticut is the most boring place in the world and don't blame a couple of meddling kids for wanting to get drunk and look for ghosts.

Holyfield banned from fighting in New York

NEW YORK (AP) -- New York state is reportedly banning boxer Evander Holyfield from fighting in the state again, saying ever since he turned 40 he's been all sissy and shit.

The New York Daily News says the state's athletic commission is suspending the 42-year-old's boxing license due to what it called his "diminished skills and poor performance," adding that if he could stop "peeing himself regularly in public" he would be allowed to box.

Holyfield is a former heavy-weight champion but he has won just two of his nine fights since 1999.

The state's athletic commissioner says Holyfield did pass a battery of health tests, including a few designed to detect brain trauma where the subject is asked to repeat "I am sofa king we todd it" 5 times fast; Holyfield reportedly said it twice before realizing what was up -- a relatively high score for boxers. The athletic commissioner says the decision to bar Holyfield from fighting is to make sure he doesn't get hurt.

Holyfield's mommy says he's looking to set up a match in Europe where everyone is weak and frail (except the Russians).

Pistol Pete to trade pistol for lasso, represent Erectile Dysfunction

New Mexico State University's mascot, Pistol Pete, is being disarmed. University officials have also stripped the word "Pistol" from Pete's name. The new logo shows Pete twirling a lasso. The old Pete toted a pistol.

Link to story

Lightning strikes Oklahoma man for fourth time

NOBLE, Okla. (AP) -- It's lightning striking again for an Oklahoma man.

Carl Mize was hit in storms August fifth. But the electrical jolt is nothing new for him. This is the fourth time he's been struck.

He was working with a crew on the University of Oklahoma campus, when they saw storms approaching. A co-worker familiar with his history retreated, saying "I'm getting away from you." The bolt struck soon after that.

Mize spent four days at Norman Regional Hospital and he's well on the road to recovery.

Other than complicating his heart condition and numbing his toes, Mize apparently is fine.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Dragons in the Tibet Sky, or, you know, clouds...

A photo of two peculiar dragon-shaped objects taken from a plane flying over Tibet’s Himalayas piqued many users’ interest when displayed on a Chinese website. The photographer is an amateur.

On June 22, 2004, the photographer went to Tibet’s Amdo region to attend the Qinghai-to-Xizang Railroad laying ceremony, and then took a plane from Lhasa to fly back inland. When flying over the Himalaya’s, he accidentally caught these two "dragons" in a picture that he took. He called these two objects "the Tibet dragons."

Full "story"

Ex-teacher pleads no contest to having sex with 13-year-old, gets 9 months

MCMINNVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- A Tennessee teacher is sentenced to nine months in jail after pleading no contest to having sex with a student.

Pamela Turner yesterday admitted to having sex with the 13-year-old boy, avoiding a trial on charges of sexual battery and statutory rape. She was accused of having sex with the boy at his home and at school between November and January.

She had trouble speaking as she entered her plea. After she's released from jail, she will be on supervised probation for the rest of an eight-year suspended sentence. She won't be allowed to
teach.

Turner taught physical education at Centertown Elementary in McMinnville, Tennessee.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Jerk-o-meter

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (AP) -- Ever wonder if your pal on the other end of the phone is really paying attention? Researchers are developing software for cell phones to determine how engaged phone-talkers are.

The developer says people are more likely to be attentive if they know they're being monitored.

That's where the Jerk-O-Meter comes in. The device measures levels of stress and empathy in a person's voice. It also keeps track of how often someone is speaking.

For now, the Jerk-O-Meter is set up to monitor the user's end of the conversation. If the talker's attention strays, a message pops up on the phone. It says, "Don't be a jerk!" or "Be a little nicer now." A score closer to 100 percent would prompt, "Wow, you're a smooth talker."

The project is being developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

OK, this is pathetic. If you actually need to buy something that tells you whether or not someone is interested in your boring conversations, well, that means that a cheap robot is smarter than you and way more emotionally adept. This is one of the worst inventions I’ve seen in a while. The Segway makes more sense.

The Jesus Burner 4000

This story has inspired me to invent the “Jesus Burner.” It’ll be a hair dryer (or other heat producing device) with a metal Jesus face on the end that you heat up and burn into potato chips, or pies, or bread, or dollar bills – and then you sell it on eBay!

Drunk man stole snack truck, sought cash for more beer

BUFFALO, N.Y. (AP) -- First he stole a potato chip delivery truck, then he tried to sell its cargo for $5 so he could get a beer. That's according to police in Buffalo, New York, where a man was arrested yesterday and charged with driving while intoxicated, grand larceny and other offenses.

Police say the man drove off in a Frito-Lay delivery truck after the driver left the keys in the ignition.

A witness told police that the man stepped out of the truck with a box of chips and offered to sell the whole truck for $20, but said he'd settle for $5 because he wanted a beer.

Officers say the man hit two parked cars before he was apprehended while trying to hide behind a building. Authorities say he had a blood-alcohol content of .26 -- more than three times the legal limit.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Not-so-glamorous day for the 'runaway bride'

LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. (AP) -- It's a far cry from an elegant wedding gown and a bouquet of fresh flowers.

Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks wore an orange community service vest, a ball cap and running shoes as she pushed a lawn mower at a government building this morning.

The Georgia woman drew national attention in April when she split right before her wedding and then claimed she'd been abducted and sexually assaulted.

She's now working off 120 hours of community service, after pleading no contest in June to telling police a phony story.

Wilbanks says she's "doing well." She spoke briefly to nearby reporters today when her mower's engine died in some tall grass -- but then added that she "needed to get back to work."

A corrections department spokeswoman says Wilbanks has already cleaned offices and vehicles and will spend part of today picking up trash.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Lawyer documents man's quest to visit every Starbucks, Apocalypse soon

OMAHA, Nebraska (AP) -- You can forgive a Houston man known as Winter if he's acting a little jumpy. Chances are he has a bit too much caffeine in his system.

He's on a quest to visit every Starbucks.

According to his Web site, as of yesterday he's been to nearly 5,000 of the 5,715 corporate-owned Starbucks around the globe.

That includes one day in which he went to 29 Starbucks. A Nebraska man documenting his efforts in a film called "Starbucking" says that effort left Winter feeling "a little
nauseous."

Winter, who was born Rafael Antonio Lozano began his mission in 1997. And he says of his quest: "Every time I reach a Starbucks I feel like I've accomplished something when actually I have accomplished nothing."

On the Net:

Winter's site: http://www.starbuckseverywhere.net/

Starbucking: http://www.starbuckingmovie.com/

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Authorities to investigate BB gun shooting of photographer staking out Britney Spears

MALIBU, Calif. (AP) -- Most BB gun shootings aren't high on the LA County Sheriff's priority list. But this one involves a photographer who was staking out Britney Spears, at a home where Spears was believed to be attending a baby shower in her honor.

A sheriff's spokesman says after nearly two dozen calls from journalists, "we'll probably put this on the front burner."

Over the weekend, a photographer was hit in the leg by a BB. He claims it came from the direction of the house supposedly hosting a shower for the mother-to-be. Spears' bodyguards, however, tell authorities they had nothing to do with the incident. It's also not clear whether Spears was in the home at the time.

Authorities say they are going to assign a detective to the case today.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Two jurors say they regret acquitting Michael Jackson of child molestation

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Two jurors who say they regret their decision to acquit Michael Jackson on child molestation charges are going to appear on MSNBC tonight.

Ray Hultman and Eleanor Cook are going to explain why they regret their actions on the new show "Rita Cosby: Live and Direct."

In a preview shown this morning on N-B-C's "Today" show, Cosby asked Cook if the other jurors would be angry with her. She responded by saying, "They can be as angry as they want to. They ought to be ashamed. They're the ones that let a pedophile go."

Hultman says he's upset with the way the other jurors approached the case. He says they "just wouldn't take those blinders off long enough to really look at all the evidence."

Cook and Hultman are working on separate books and a combined television movie.

In June, jurors unanimously acquitted Jackson of all the charges against him.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Man mistakenly kept in jail for nearly two years wins million dollar settlement

WASHINGTON -- A man who mistakenly spent almost two years in jail in Washington, D-C, has been awarded more than a million dollars.

Joseph Heard was jailed in 1999 on a trespassing charge from a year earlier -- even though a judge had declared him mentally unfit to stand trial. Heard is described as deaf, mute and mentally impaired. He was then kept behind bars for 670 days because prison officials lost track of his records.

A judge today approved the settlement between Heard and the District of Columbia, calling the ordeal "pure Kafka." Heard's attorney calls the settlement "terrific."

Copyright 2005 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Elf needed

When I was looking for jobs I checked UNCW's online job posting thing. While scrolling through it I found this:

This is a service for recent grads looking for jobs. I hope no one out there with a 4-year degree was like, yeah, elf, that'll work. If you think this even slightly amusing you should read Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris.

E-mail a worker program

Today’s modern workforce is filled with bored computer slaves, posting useless garbage online, hoping for new crap to read. With just 5 minutes of your time, you can help one of these drones make it through the workday. Please sign up for a bored worker e-mail buddy. Don't you want to give somebody new crap to read?

Today’s uninspired worker buddy: chasblackman@gmail.com

Dance, NASA, Dance

Andy Milinokis is a fat retard

This is what happens when we celebrate autism, people. It's not funny.

Fuck MTV.

Kill your TV.

In the Bathroom

I was in the bathroom at work yesterday when an older gentleman came in and started using a urinal. He was on his cell phone, which was weird, OK.

So, he kept talking -- you know, whilst pissing -- and I was wondering if the guy on the other end could hear him, or not, or if he could kind of hear or what he was thinking.

And then I heard the voice on the other line end, "what are you doing right now?" And there was a pause. The man in the bathroom, let's call him Bartholomew, said the following (and I bold):

"Well, if you want to know the honest truth about it, I'm standin' here with muh ding-dong in my hand, takin' a piss while I'm talking to you. Don't that just give you a warm fuzzy feeling."

So, at least he was honest about it. It's still creepy though.

Driver crashes into convenience store

This is great. Some lady drove into a convenience store about 1 mile from my house. She turned around to yell at her kid and slammed on the gas instead of the breaks.

Link to story

Soldier loses rank for classified Internet posting

PHOENIX (AP) -- Putting classified information on his Internet blog has cost a National Guardsman in Iraq a demotion.

The Army says Leonard Clark of Glendale, Arizona, is a private first class once again. He was demoted from specialist, and fined more than $1,600.

No word what classified information Clark put on his blog, but soldiers are forbidden from including anything about Army operations or movements.

Clark is a kindergarten teacher in civilian life. He decided not to appeal the ruling. His company is expected to return from Iraq next January.

Leonard Clark's blog: http://leonardclark.com/blog

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Florida girl bitten by bat while driving

SEMINOLE, Fla. (AP) -- Teresa Shields has a new nickname, Batgirl, after a little-too-close encounter with one of the little flying mammals last week.

The Florida teen says she was driving home when a bat flew through her car window and bit her.

Her father says Teresa had two red marks and some tenderness but the bite didn't break the skin. The animal was foaming at the mouth when it attacked her, so it's being tested for rabies, just in case. A state wildlife official says bats can carry rabies but it's no more common in bats than in any other animal.

Shields says the experience was weird and scary initially. But she thinks it's funny now. And her family has already given Teresa a present: a Batman T-shirt.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Parkinson's-afflicted mice injected with speed got better

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Duke University Medical Center researchers find in tests on mice that illegal drugs such as Ecstasy and related amphetamines reversed the muscle rigidity associated with Parkinson's disease.

The scientists say the research opens up new areas of exploration for an incurable brain disorder that afflicts half a million people in the United States.

Duke researcher Marc Caron co-authored the study released today. He cautions the surprising finding in mice doesn't translate directly to patients.

Caron and his colleagues created mice through genetic engineering and drugs to be free of the brain chemical dopamine. Without dopamine, the rodents became rigid like Parkinson's
patients.

The researchers then injected the mice with about 60 different chemical compounds that are widely abused like Ecstasy and several others from the amphetamine family.

The mice receiving the speed showed dramatic results.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

New Amanda Egge podcast

There's a new Amanda Egge podcast up with intro music by yours truly.

Internet Generation

Do you consider yourself part of the Internet Generation? Leave a comment on why you do or don't.